Lately...

Wow, has it seriously been over two months since I wrote on here? Where does time go? I swear the older I get, the quicker time flies. 

While I was MIA on here, I have been keeping quite busy managing my kids and house plus dealing with my ever present companions "chronic pain" and his side kick "fatigue" along with their many, many friends that join in on the "chronic conditions" road trip. 

Honestly, I have been struggling a lot physically and emotionally during the last couple months. I started having some frequent and, at times, disabling headaches again which completely scared me that the Chiari headaches were coming back. Through much research, I finally figured out that the headaches might be a side effect of the medication for nerve pain I was on, called Neurontin. I had a few other side effects and felt that the drug was not really helping me, so (with Dr approval) I decided to wean myself off of it and once I did, the headaches and side effects subsided. I was so relieved! 

Otherwise, I'm status quo on the Chiari, Dysautonomia, and Fibro front. I still have good days and bad days and have to be very careful not to push myself too hard and try to avoid stress as much as I can. 

I made a huge decision with regards to my emotional health and finally went to see a counselor. I knew that I had not processed through all the trauma and changes that had occurred in my life since the car accident that started this whole mess. I just needed a place to pour out how I felt without feeling like I was burdening my family and also without feeling judged for my feelings. My family has been absolutely amazing throughout this but it has taken a toll on them as well and I always worried that my pouring out all my messed up feelings would place more burdens on them. (I'm a recovering "people pleaser".  Is that okay? HaHa! ) 

Overall, the counseling was a decent experience. I don't feel that the counselor and I really clicked completely but I was able to talk through my feelings and begin to work through all that has happened to me in a healthy way. 

Through all that soul searching, I thought a lot about the changes that have happened in my life. 

The moment that car accident occurred on August 12, 2012, I was forever changed and I had no idea how much at that time, but God did. 

I had no idea that it would lead to a diagnosis of Chiari and that I would face brain surgery.

 I had no idea that I would live with chronic illness and pain. 

But, He knew and He allowed that to enter my life. God has walked beside me as I have gone through it all. Deep in my heart, I have questioned why He allowed it and I may never know this side of heaven. I have struggled in my questioning and the darkness of pain both physically and emotionally to be able to feel close to God. I became angry and overwhelmed by the weight of it all. I began to distance myself from him simply because I chose to give in to Satan's mind games and allow myself to focus too much on the why, the loss I feel about it, the confusion, the pain, the exhaustion, the financial concerns we now have, the effects of my illness on my family...I could go on and on. 

Basically, I was focusing on all the bad and not focusing on the good. 

Not trusting God. 

Not reading His Word. 

Not praying enough. 

Staying in my own depressed little world in my head. 

I gave up. Just quit fighting. 

And I was wrong. So very, very wrong!

God faithfully, lovingly showed me where I was wrong and drew me back to him.

 He gave me the courage and strength to fight again. 

To fight the depression. 

To choose joy!

 To choose to trust in His plan! 

To remember and trust that even when I can't see him working, He is!

He reminded me that he knows, he cares, he forgives and he loves me despite my failures to trust him. 

Despite my questions. I'm so grateful to have a loving Heavenly Father who cares for me! 

He knows my pain. He sees my suffering. And, He doesn't leave me to bear it alone. 

So, I am fighting again. 

I'm fighting to choose joy every day. To take in the good moments. Really breathe them in and cherish them. To fight satan and his oppression. To trust God and fully rely on Him for what I need every day. 

(Source)