Marriage and Chronic Illness

Today I wanted to share my thoughts on how chronic illness affects marriage. In my case, my whole journey from the time of the accident until this moment has absolutely strengthened my marriage and brought my husband and I closer than ever. But, we have had a few struggles along the way, and I am sure we will face more. However, we love each other and are committed to walking this life journey together, no matter what we may face. I read this quote from Focus on the Family and it hit home about the toll that chronic illness takes on marriage.

"Nearly half of all Americans live their day-to-day lives with at least one chronic illness as a companion. Cancer, diabetes, heart disease, chronic fatigue syndrome, Crohn’s disease, asthma, arthritis, lupus, sickle cell anemia and a host of other conditions pillage millions of personal lives and marriages each year. Statistics show that over 75 percent of marriages plagued by chronic illness end in divorce." ~ Focus on the Family

The truth is that chronic illness is tough on a relationship. It can be very stressful and even isolating to both of us. I have an invisible illness, meaning that I look completely normal and healthy on the outside. No one can tell unless they know me well. Even then, most days I put on a good front, for the main reason of not wanting my children to feel the burden of seeing me not feel well. But, my husband knows me well enough to be able to see through my tough front. It is hard for him to see me struggle with the things I deal with on a daily basis.

Because I have found that there is very little information about dealing with chronic illness in marriage, I want to share just a few tips that I have found helpful not only with regards to marriage and chronic illness but that also can apply to marriage in general. I am in no way an expert, but these are things that I have found to be helpful.

Tip #1 - Keep Talking.

On our wedding day as a young couple age 19 and 20, we vowed "In sickness and In health". We got the "In health" part but we just didn't think much about the "In sickness". As young and healthy people, we thought more about sickness being a cold or the flu, not a serious and life altering chronic illness. When we were hit with my health crisis, we handled it well with regards to our relationship. But, as time progressed and recovery didn't go as planned, the stress began to take its toll on both of us. We each had very different emotions about it, and I was experiencing physical symptoms that he could not relate to. Because of that, it became hard for us to communicate those feelings to each other and really feel like the other was understanding. Once we realized this, we agreed that we have to keep talking to each other and try to see each other's point of view. We can't take what the other is saying as a personal attack in any way. We have to just accept what each other feels and try to be sensitive about it. Also, I tend to be the type of person who holds things in because I don't want to burden others, but I have found that this is toxic to my marriage. Because I hold things inside, I then end up frustrated because he isn't meeting needs that I haven't even told him about. I have to remember that if I don't tell him, then he doesn't know. He knows me well but he is not a mind reader!

Tip #2 - Men and women respond differently to things.

My husband has said many times how difficult it is to see what I deal with in regards to my physical issues. As hard as I try to hide how I am truly feeling physically, he knows me well and can tell by the sound of my voice or the look in my eyes exactly how I am feeling. Having a wife deal with serious or chronic illness is especially hard for men in general, because their very makeup is that of protector and rescuer for their wives. They want to fix the problem, but with chronic illness, they can't fix most or any of what we deal with. As my husband has shared with me, it leaves him feeling extremely helpless and many times frustrated and stressed. I try to keep this in mind and it helps me to understand his responses to me.

Tip #3 - Acknowledge that changes not only affect me but my husband as well.

I know that I am a different person in many ways than I used to be. Some are good! I am a more patient, less controlling person. I see life in a more positive light. I let the little things go most of the time. But there are also negative changes. Chronic pain and illness takes a toll on a person. I went through every stage of grief about my condition, surgery and recovery and sometimes went back and forth between stages. I have been in denial, angry, and depressed. Finally, I am mostly in the acceptance stage. But, I still have days when I am physically and emotionally just down. I struggle to see past the challenges my body is throwing at me and I can get very overwhelmed. I also struggle to cope with meeting the daily demands of motherhood and that doesn't leave much of me left for him. I have to remember that what I am going through not only affects me, but him as well.

Tip #4 - Pray!

My faith is truly what has helped me through each day since I developed my illness. It is incredibly important to me! I have been a Christian since I was a young girl. I know that God has faithfully guided my life, loved me and gave me grace when I messed up, drawn me to himself over and over when the things of the world tempted me to turn away from Him. Without God, I wouldn't be who I am today or where I am today. Truthfully, without God, my husband and I would likely be divorced. Many years ago, we went through a very dark time in our marriage and because of our faith and commitment to honoring our vows, we worked through our struggles and our marriage survived. We know we did not make that happen on our own. It is all because of God! 

Now as we have dealt with my illness and all of the changes that has brought to our lives, we have both relied on God for peace, comfort and strength. We have had our times of doubt, of asking why did He allow this, of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. But, He has been so faithful to us! When we have needs, we pray and ask for his help. We pray for strength when we feel weak. And, over and over, God has provided! We can look back over the last year and a half and see his faithfulness and his provision.

To end this, I want to say that I am thankful for an amazing husband who loves God and loves me, is committed to our marriage, and works hard to provide for our family. I am so very blessed that God gave me such a wonderful man to share my life with!


Blessings,

Sonya


PS. Please share your thoughts or tips about marriage! I would love to hear from you!

He Knows

Several months ago, my Mom found the poem below in one of my Grandma's Bibles. It is obviously an old poem but the words are still so true.

I remember sobbing as Mom read it to me because it struck me with this amazing truth...God Knows. 

He knows what we are going through. 

He knows why we are going through it. 

He is not surprised by anything. 

He knows our pain, our sufferings.

He knows. 

And, He loves us and cares…So much!

All we have to do is rest in Him, knowing that we can trust him!

He Knows

E. Margaret Clarkson

He knows it all - the winding path,

The sky o'ercast and grey,

The steepness of the mountain side,

The roughness of the way.

He knows it all - the haunting fear,

The doubtings and distress,

The wanderings and perplexities,

And all the strain and stress.

He knows it all - each troubled thought,

Each anxious wave of care,

And every burden, every grief,

Or cross that thou doest bear.

He knows it all - thy weight of woe,

Thine often tear-dimmed eye,

The stabbing pain, the slow, dull ache,

And sorrow's broken cry.

He knows it all - but His to choose

And thine to take His choice!

He knows it all! He planned it so!

Then trust Him, and rejoice.